I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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