It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
