So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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