we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
