so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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