you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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