haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
