Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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