those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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