i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
