This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
