he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
