I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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