a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
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I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
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So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize