just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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