In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
