I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
