I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
BRING THE BAGELS
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
