fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
