you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
