I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
