One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
