So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
