No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize