Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
