May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
