You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
