It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
