Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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