im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
