just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
there is glitter all over my balls
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
