So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
