Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
