Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
