Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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