i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
