nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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