dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
