I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
