Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
