Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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