We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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