DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
