I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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