I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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