I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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