Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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