i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
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don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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