if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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