piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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