Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
