4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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