This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
