how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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