pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
