I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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