It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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