btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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