I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We need to get me chipped asap
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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