Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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